Parchment Bonfire: Ultimate Gaming Table

Welcome to this edition of the Parchment Bonfire! This is a segment in which I offer an inept and lackluster review of a gaming product, and then come to a conclusion as to whether all existing copies of that product should be consumed in a fiery inferno. This week's segment is focused on the Ultimate Gaming Table. Quite an epic piece of equipment, if you ask me. In fact, it is so great that its creator actually got a dot-org domain name to show it off, because the average dot-com simply wouldn't do.

Look through the site at your leisure, but don't get ahead of yourself now. Because I'm going to tell you what the two greatest features of this table are, besides being very large and including a text messaging system. I love text messaging. Also, you should never start a sentence with the word 'because,' unless it feels right.

The two things that make the Ultimate Gaming Table so ultimate are (drum rolls welcomed, but not mandatory):

1.) cup holders
2.) trays for players to put their junk [on]

I cannot tell you how much it pisses me off when people keep their opened drinks on the gaming table. It even pisses me off when I do it, and I do it all the fucking time! Sooner or later, someone is going to put their character sheet down onto a nice coke can-sized ring of sticky water, or wave their arms menacingly and knock somebody's tasty, ice cold beverage onto my precious books. At that point I'm going to unleash my berserker powers and some shit will go down in my house that's going to resemble arma-fucking-geddon.

The other thing that sucks about human interaction... ahem... is when people have to stack forty dungeon books in eight different piles around the table, leaving three and 1/2 squares for miniatures to move around on. That shit sucks ass, and the dude who invented this table knows it sucks ass. So he installed pull-out drawers for people to hide their stuff underneath the table. Then he went one step further and pimped out the entire top surface with plexiglass and square one-inchers for a bigger playing area than you could possibly imagine. An 8'x4' playing area; that's right.

The Death Star plans are only 11 bucks, last time I checked, so you too can make this awesome table to spec at your humble abode. I'm planning to do something similar, but I need more time... so while a bunch of these tables with the plex would make fuel of the most excellent and toxic quality for a huge bonfire, I really think it's a great idea, so the table will be spared from the inferno.